My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse but I beat her to it.
What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
I used to be a shoe salesman until they gave me the boot.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
The butcher walked backwards into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence.
Stop with the blind jokes...I dont see the point.
Cannibals like to meat people
Being friends with assassins is a bad idea. They're all backstabbers.
Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
I tripped over my girlfriends bra, seemed to be a booby trap.
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I can do it with my eyes closed
She had a photographic memory but never developed it
The painter was hospitalized due to too many strokes.
My math teacher called me average. How mean!
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.
I'm glad i know sign language, it's pretty handy.
The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
My wife told me to stop speaking in numbers. But I didn't 1 2.
A scarecrow with a PhD is outstanding in his field.
You gotta hand it to short people.
I think i want a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something i can see myself doing!
Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
I went into a shop and said "Can someone sell me a kettle?" The bloke said "Kenwood?" I said "Where is he then?"
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandma called to see how he was a nurse said "No change yet."
Ed has no girlfriend because Sheeran away.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Don't invest into funerals because its a dying industry.
A blind man walked into a bar. Then a table, then a chair.
Did you hear about the deaf guy who got a speeding ticket? Neither did he!
Did you hear about the man who lost his left side? He's all right now.
Dwarves and midgets have very little in common.
What did the cross-eyed teacher say? I can't control my pupils!
I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waist of time
Did you hear about the kid napping? He woke up.
Why do they put fences around cementeries? Because people are dying to get in!
What is Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable? Barackoli!
Make the little things count. Teach midgets math!
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months!
My gilrfriend is saving herself for marriage. We do everything butt sex!
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway!
What is Forest Gump's facebook password? "1forest1"
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. It turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time!
I use to hate facial hair. But then it grew on me!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization!
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club. But I've never met herbivore!
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path!
Why do orphans make terrible baseball players? They don't know where the home is!
If you need an ark I noah guy.
I met a woman with twelve boobs. Sounds weird, dozentit?
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
It's not that the man didn't know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
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