If you've been thinking about singing karaoke with a friend, just duet!
Shout out to people who don't know what the opposite of in is!
Jokes with punch lines can be painfully funny.
I make apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.
The bomb didn't want to go off, so it refused.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
No matter how hard you push the envelope it will still be stationery.
I can't count how many times I failed maths at school.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving is not for you.
The case against a donut thief was full of holes.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
I was trying to make a pun about escaping quicksand but I'm stuck.
I couldn't figure out how to put my seatbelt on, but then it clicked.
I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie ever.
Pencils could be made with erasers on both ends, but what would be the point?
It's true I don't like soap, but you don't have to rub it in my face!
What happens when a sheep, a drum and a snake fall from a cliff?
BA DUM TS
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why did the blonde sneak past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.
I don't trust stairs... they are always up to something.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig... It's not a beautiful poem but it's very deep.
Life as an elevator has its ups and downs.
I went into a shop and said "Can someone sell me a kettle?" The bloke said "Kenwood?" I said "Where is he then?"
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
A blind man walked into a bar. Then a table, then a chair.
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
Did you hear about the deaf guy who got a speeding ticket? Neither did he!
So the router says to the doctor? It hurts when ip!
Where do boats go when they get sick. The dock!
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents!
I tried wearing some tight jeans, but I couldn't pull it off.
Tennis players can never find happiness. Love means nothing to them.
Did you hear about the kid napping? He woke up.
I put the sexy in dyslexia!
Make the little things count. Teach midgets math!
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months!
What type of computer sings? A dell!
I went to the zoo today, there was only one animal. It was a shitzu!
Enough with the cripple jokes! ...I just can't stand them.
To the guy who invented Zero, thanks for nothing!
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